I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
