On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
