i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
