she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm like, not good at living.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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