I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
