Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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