I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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