i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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