I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
