My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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