I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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