You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
