my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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