Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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