I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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