running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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