i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
