Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
