I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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