I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
