o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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