its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
