if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
