Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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