i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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