Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
