i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
