we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
