Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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