Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
