I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
