Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
