But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
