What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
