just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
