I will die if light touches me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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