the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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