this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
