I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
