those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
