whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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