Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
