did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
