Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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