Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
