I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
