it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
