How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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