That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
