Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
