I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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