the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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